I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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