I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
