remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
