Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
