I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
