OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
