so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
