half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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