So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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