You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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