we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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