She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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