just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
