I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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