My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
