I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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