Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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