happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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