How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
