I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
