I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
