somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
