Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
