My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
