My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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