Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
