apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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