Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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