Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
