I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize