My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they need to just BURY HIM!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
