I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
