If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
