I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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