Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
