3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
