i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
