Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize