I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would punch a child for taco bell
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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