dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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