I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
