He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pants are for mortals
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
