No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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