Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
