I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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