woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
