He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
