I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
