just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The Olympian is in my bed
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