Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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