I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
