Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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