Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
