I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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