she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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