Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
