I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
