my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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