remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
